Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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