Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I see more hoeing in ur future
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