i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
