Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
