saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
