Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He's a Shit stain on my heart
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
