I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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