anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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