Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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