I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
