Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
