so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
