She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
i think my cat just said my name.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
