Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
