I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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