you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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