You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
