do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
