apparently the secret to your success is patron
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
