I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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