I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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