I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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