I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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