Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
