I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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