after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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