Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
