He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
