thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
