About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Randomize
