hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
