I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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