i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
