i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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