70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
