it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
