Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
