I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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