I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
