Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
