her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
