I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
