I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
