what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
