I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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