My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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