I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
