Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
