I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She needs sedatives and a leash
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
