I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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