dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
