it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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