I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
