just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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